I’m trying to take over the world. Why do I need A Copywriter?

If you’re in the business of world domination, at some point you’re going to need to interface with the public. The evil business sector is so crowded these days. People know they have a choice when it comes to nefarious, shadowy companies bent on changing the course of human history- why should they go with you over a trusted household name like Amazon.com, Destruct-O-Labs, or CostCo? That’s the question you need to ask yourself every morning before putting on that grey, collarless suit with the matching eyepatch.

Plus, you’ll eventually need to name your megayacht, address the UN general counsel, or make some flyers for a fund-raising carwash. I’m your guy.

Why do you offer this service?

Copywriting and world-domination go hand in hand. If you can talk your way through a checkpoint at the Estonian border, you can sell skin cream. Also, I can do it totally over Zoom. Most ad agencies are already trying to take over the world as it stands, so it looks good on the ol resume, you know?

How do I get in touch?

Send a letter with the details of your operation to this P.O. Box [Redacted]. I will mail a burner phone to your return address. Then, one day, you will hear from me. I will call with a code word and a time to meet in the back alley, park bench, or opulent Grand Cayman hotel of your choosing.

Or if you’re busy, just send me a text or something. It’s much quicker that way.